That day, a feeling of loneliness sneak into my heart. It was that particular night, I feel lonely, I want someone to pay attention to me, I want someone to concern about me..I want to be loved...why aren't the persons whom I wish they will come and care for me be by my side that night?Everything that I thought starts with "I"...Because of the "I" that I want people pay attention to, to make me feel that this "me" has a value of existence in this world, I suffer when the ones I need their attention do not turn up beside me. When can I detach from the burden of "I"?
It's the first time I am face to face to my self loneliness. Although I was down, I know I shouldn't escape from it. I tried to investigate it. It was the desire. The desire for things are so commonly known. What about the desire for love? The desire is endless, no matter it is for good or bad. I want to cut that down. I try to do my work, telling myself not to listen to the desires. Whenever my mind comes to the wanting of someone to talk to me, I pull it back. To be in the present. I was always not in the presence. My mind likes to dream, they are being too active. I am not sure whether it is the right thing to do. I could have done anything that can ease my feelings. But I want to face my own loneliness, instead of trying to grab for someone to chat with so that to make me feel happier or compensate the emptiness. I may not feel excited or happy during that time, but i just want to see how can i say "no" to a desire. Facing the wordless moment for hours, battling with my own mind to stop it from wandering, trying to seek or grab for something.
In the end, how was I feeling? I don't get better nor worse. There's nothing gained or lost.
There's one book I am reading, it gave me the strong insight that, to learn Buddhism, you must practise it with a virtual scientific manner. Buddhism is a Science, in some ways! Sometimes, when we gain too much of the Dhamma knowledge, they can become the obstacles for us to truly experience the thing. Hence, we have to apply the scientific manner. No matter how the theories go, when we're in a lab, Forget about the theories. You must observe and record honestly what you have seen, and if you still keep the theory in your mind, you will have bias, because you always thought that it is correct in this way, not the others. It is exactly the same in life. Although we know that what Buddha said is always correct, when it comes to life, you have to put down everything you learn and do the honest experiment. Then only we are able to experience it. When we experience it, we link it back to what we have learned, and we'll find that they are no longer words. They are expressed in experiences.
Is what I said is correct? I don't know. It is said by the book. I will have to start my investigation, exploring my heart and the surroundings.
